In this week's "column" he sat down with fellow Patriots fan Adam Schatz of footballinsiders.com. Now I respect Schatz, his work on the Pro Football Prospectus is great, but this column is nothing more than a New England bitchfest. It is the epitome of Patriots fans' arrogance. Here are a few excerpts followed by my thoughts:
Simmons: Merriman had a positive steroids test last year? Whaaaaaaaat??? I thought LaDainian 'I stole Lawrence Taylor's nickname' Tomlinson just told us the Patriots were the cheaters. I'm so confused. The next thing you're going to tell me is that Luis Castillo failed a steroids test right before the 2005 draft or something.
Ugh. First of all, Simmons crack lame non-funny joke #6 in this section when he comes up with a terrible nickname for LaDainian Tomlinson. That's the kind of joke I would've made when I was 15. And I wasn't a "professional" writer. On top of that Simmons is playing the whole "woe is me I'm a victim" card here. Now granted he and Schatz do say the Pats should be punished for this, but c'mon seriously, Merriman was punished already. He served his suspension and it's over with. Only an arrogant Patriots fan would bring this up as a way to justify what his team did.
Schatz: I loved how Tomlinson told reporters today that the Patriots' motto is 'if you're not cheating, you're not trying.' What's Shawne Merriman's motto?
Simmons: I think it's 'I'm going to be the last Pro Bowler ever who failed a steroids test during the same season he made the Pro Bowl.' You're right, people love hating on the Pats.Again, why bother attacking Merriman and the Patriots? So he took steroids, HE WAS SUSPENDED! And I hardly think one guy on the team testing positive for steroids even comes close to a head coach and an organization using video tape equipment to gain an unfair advantage over the opposition. Merriman's advantage might be a physical one, but I'm sure there are plenty of other people in the NFL who are stronger than Merriman who AREN'T on steroids. So the advantage he'd gain is minimal in some cases. But the Patriots are gaining an overwhelming gameplanning advantage. If you know what's coming up next you know how to stop it. That's a hell of a better advantage than one guy taking steroids.
Plus, isn't it a little hypocritical of Simmons and Schatz to bust on a guy who was suspended for steroids when Rodney Harrison of their great Patriots has been suspended for HGH? Oh I forgot...they're Patriots fans.
Plus, isn't it a little hypocritical of Simmons and Schatz to bust on a guy who was suspended for steroids when Rodney Harrison of their great Patriots has been suspended for HGH? Oh I forgot...they're Patriots fans.
Simmons: Part of the charm of the 21st century Patriots -- at least for me -- was that they remained consistently good without any real financial advantages. The hard salary cap prohibits an NFL team from saying, 'We need a good receiver, let's offer Chad Johnson $110 million over five years,' and even when a team with deep pockets (like the Redskins) splurges on free agents with big signing bonuses, it's a short-term boost that hurts them long-term. For an NFL team to win 79 games and three Super Bowls over a six-year span and have its most talented roster in Year 7, it requires a superhuman effort from the coaches and the front office.
...Or cheating.
Simmons: Here's the thing that shocks me: I always thought Belichick cared too much about his legacy to risk tainting it like this. He's a history buff and someone who allowed Halberstam to follow him around simply because he understood the intrinsic value of a great writer capturing his 'brilliance' in a widely read book. The whole thing is just bizarre. I'm a big Watergate buff, and there are some eerie parallels to last Sunday's Jets game and the '72 presidential electon -- not just the spying symmetry, but that neither the Patriots nor Nixon needed to take the risk. Nixon had the '72 election locked up but was so paranoid, he allowed his guys to basically defame Edmund Muskie and George McGovern and tried to break into the Democratic headquarters multiple times. Belichick knew he had a better team than the Jets, but he tried to steal their signals anyway. Let's hope this doesn't lead to a disgraced Belichick climbing on a private jet in 18 months and raising his arms defiantly in the air.
Does it shock me? No. Does it shock you? No. Does it shock anyone else? No. Why? Because Bill Belichick is widely regarded as an asshole. An asshole of epic proportions. A guy who tried to threaten Vikings coach Brad Childress, he chases Steelers trained John Norwig off the field when he tried to help an injured Patriots player, he throws temper tantrums when he loses, he screwed over the entire Jets organization, and he steals men's wives. Belichick is an asshole, plain and simple, and only a blind, arrogant Pats fan would fail to see it.
Simmons: Eventually, CameraGate won't bother me, either. I'm sure I'll come up with dumb rationalizations for it -- you know, something like 'Mangini blew the whistle on Belichick because he wanted to deflect attention away from the butt-kicking that was happening.' Give me a couple days. Right now, I'm just bummed that the rest of the country has a valid reason to hate the Patriots other than 'I'm tired of watching them win.'
It's okay Bill, the rest of the Patriots nation already HAS come up with excuses.
Simmons: We can't make fun of Elway in this space, ESPN is still operating under the 'No More Elway Jokes For 10 Years' umbrella that went into effect after Norm McDonald humiliated him at the '98 ESPYS. But I'm with you. If we're going to stick an asterisk next to the '01, '03 and '04 Pats, don't stop there -- it needs to extend to Elway's Broncos (cap cheaters), DeBartolo's Niners (cap cheaters), the '90s Cowboys (drugs and hookers), the '86 Giants (coke), the '85 Bears (Tony Eason was on the other team), the '70s Steelers (steroids) and pretty much everyone who ever won a Super Bowl.
Okay...I can give you the Broncos and the Niners, as eventhough that's total bullshit I can see it. But drugs and hookers don't mean jack shit out on the field. Nor does cocaine, and when the Steelers of the 70's did steroids...so did everyone else in the league. I don't see everyone else in the league using a video camera to tape offensive signs.
Schatz: My pleasure. One last thing: the best example of this story being completely overblown is that some people are suggesting Robert Kraft might fire Belichick over this. You don't think Robert and Jonathan Kraft knew Belichick was doing this? Robert Kraft knows what's going on in his organization. At least it's the right time of the year for Kraft to fess up to doing something wrong. His rabbi is busy right now on his Rosh Hashanah sermon, entitled 'Cheating is a sin, and yes, I'm talking to you, Robert.'
Simmons: I went to an Irish-Catholic college so I didn't get that joke.
Schatz: Then you won't get this one either: I keep thinking of Kraft in shul on Yom Kippur saying the prayer that apologizes for all the sins. 'For the sin of breaking vows ... for the sin of videotaping the Jets' signals ... for the sin of messing with the guy the Vikings wanted on their practice squad ...'
Simmons: You're right, I didn't get that one, either. But I still laughed.I wish I could say the same Bill, I wish I could say the same.
1 comment:
How did you know what the rabbi was about to do?
Check this out.
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